Screaming at Heaven

I spent the last few days at Allume a christian bloggers conference for women. One of the most inspiring sessions I went to was led by Logan of Life for Dessert. Let me tell you that this woman is all kinds of amazing. She told the story of her fourth miscarriage and how she shared with the world through her blog how angry she was with God.

I, predictably, cried for a good half of her session. As she talked about authenticity I knew that I needed to share a story with you. Very few people know it. There is a lot of pain in this box that I have so carefully left on a tiny shelf of my heart. It’s hard to know where to start but it’s time to try.

On Tuesday January 31st at 8:30am I got “the call”  that changed our lives and within 48 hours we had a full diagnosis, Ethan went through two surgeries and started chemotherapy. Things moved so quickly I’m not sure I even brushed my teeth the first two days. And I didn’t really have time for a breakdown either.

That is until Friday the 3rd rolled around. Ethan was receiving several different types of chemotherapy by this point. I agreed to go home and have dinner with Justin while my mom stayed the night with Ethan. Unfortunately just as we were preparing to leave Ethan was hitting a bad point. His body was struggling, not with the chemo but with all of the dying cancer cells.

This sounds like a good problem to have, I know. Dying cancer cells = good. Unfortunately they die so quickly and there are so many of them that the body isn’t able to process all of the waste of the cells breaking down. It became a enormous burden on his tiny little body.

I watched as my son laid in his bed barely responsive and his heart beating wildly. I looked over his lab results with the nurses that showed his kidneys were overwhelmed. I listened as the doctor told me the next eight hours were critical and that dialysis in the ICU was a very real possibility.

I really don’t know how but my family managed to get me to leave as planned. I think I was in shock. I can’t explain the fear I felt broiling inside of me on the car ride home. I went from petrified, to horrified, to infurtiated in one 20 minute car ride. When the car rolled into our garage I told Justin to go inside and leave me in the car.

I heard the garage door close and it was like a dam broke.

I screamed. In the car, in the garage, alone. I screamed at God.

I have never ever yelled that loud in my life. At first just wrenching pain breaking out in the most primal way possible. Then words came and I screamed them too.

WHYYYYYYYYYY? WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO MY SON?

HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS! THIS CANCER DOES NOT BELONG IN HIS BODY!

YOU TAKE THIS OUT OF HIS BODY RIGHT NOW! I WANT IT GONE!

I HATE THIS! TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM! PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE!

For a good 15 minutes I screamed at the very top of my lungs until I had no voice and no energy left.

It hurts for me to remember. Not because I’m ashamed but because that emotion was so raw and so real. It affects me physically right now just thinking about it.

I needed to share this with you because it’s the truth. I was angry with God. He knew what the condition of my heart was, whether I was shrieking in the car or not. God can handle my anger…. this hideous fear blazing with pain. He can handle it because He is everlasting and unchanging. No matter how mad I am at Him, His love for me will never, ever waver. His mercy and grace will always infold me even in the midst of my wretched fury.

So if you are holding your anger as a wall between you and God, I have a suggestion. Break down that wall and let your anger out. Scream at heaven and let the Lord of compassion show you that you are still loved despite your pain and bitterness.

You see it’s not so much the fact that you are angry but what you do with your anger that matters. Will you let it separate you from the Lord or will you confront it, wade through the fire of it and make a choice to go beyond it?

PS: If you want to know how Ethan came through that night you can read the rest of the story here.

photo credit: paul bica via photopin cc

About Emily

Hi, my name is Emily. I’m a wife, mother, christian, momcologist, doula, writer, nerd, entrepreneur and dreamer. I like Apple products, chocolate, books, lists, being pregnant and the color purple. I fancy myself as a quirky combination of dreamy Anne Shirley and feisty Scarlett O’Hara but in a schizophrenic sort of way. Read on...

Comments

  1. I am beyond blessed to have been a part of your heart going to this place of healing. You have no idea how encouraged I am to know that something I said can change a life. You are a beautiful soul and I am so thankful to have met you. Love and hugs to you Emily. You are brave and lovely and the Lord is so so pleased with you! Thank you for sharing!

  2. This is beautiful. Heart-breaking, but beautiful. We serve a God who is big enough to carry our pain, our anger, our fear… how thankful I am.

  3. Wow…I can’t fathom all you must have gone through, but I so deeply admire your determination to go THROUGH it…

    Thank you for sharing your heart, Emily. I pray it ministers to many.

  4. Beautifully written and so authentic. Thank you for the courage to share your heart. You are so brave. Your story of Anger at God is so important for you to share because it gives others permission to share theirs. I have my own story Of anger I have shared on my blog. I wish we had had a chance to meet at allume. Maybe next year. Jana

  5. Thank you for truly cultivating courage and sharing yourself. You are a beautiful soul! Loved seeing you at Allume. xo. EE.

  6. Oh my, this right here: “Will you let it separate you from the Lord or will you confront it, wade through the fire of it and make a choice to go beyond it?”

    That’s a good word, Emily. What an honor to meet you and hear your story. My own Ethan is wearing your Ethan’s bracelet today! Praying you are home SOON.

  7. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us! I too was at Allume this past weekend and I think we were in the same session when the question was asked about the hardest thing we had to share – I know that your testimony and the passion God has given you for parents and children going through medical issues will minister to so many. While we have not dealt with cancer our oldest daughter began to have health issues last year that seemed to take forever to find a cause – many doctors and specialist later she is finally getting better and we are so thankful for that. Thank you again for sharing your heart – you have blessed and encouraged me today!

  8. Emily, Thank you for sharing. It was a gift to meet you and it is a gift to be able to “share” life with you through blogs. Screaming at God is raw and so real. I am so glad you felt inspired and safe to share. So many moms with hurting children need to see and hear that they are not alone. I was once screaming at the Lord in a thunderstorm on our deck… fists raised. I remember having a tiny moment of, “oh man, the neighbors are going to think I have really snapped in two,” and I just raised my voice higher. My husband came out and begged me to return inside and at least continue my fit under a roof away from a direct hit of lightening! I held onto the Psalms during that part of my life. David cried out, screamed out, to God on several occasions. And he ended up finding God in it… somewhere… everywhere.
    I am praying for your family this week. And I am sending you a blog hug. Thank you for letting your pain and trying times bring hope and encouragement to others.

  9. Emily, loved meeting you this weekend. Sat right behind you in Logan’s session and was moved to tears when she shared her story…I came home and was smack dab in the middle of counseling a girlfriend in the midst of her moment of anger with God…such rich material this weekend, so much to absorb, so many blessings in the real women I met! Looking forward to following your story and God’s grace as you walk through this!

  10. Emily, This is beautiful. I love that you are brave enough to be angry at God. He can handle it. Sad we didn’t meet in person at Allume. What an incredible weekend. Blessings, jana

  11. Okay, so this is my third post, to say, I am sorry I keep filling up your comments. I cannot remember what day it is today, let alone the fact that I already posted here. LOL. jana

  12. “His mercy and grace will always infold me even in the midst of my wretched fury…” Yes! This. God CAN handle our anger and longs to walk beside us through it…such wise words you offer here, thank you!

  13. Emily, I think it’s great and brave to scream at God. He invites us to approach His throne BOLDLY. I haven’t been what you’ve been through with a child, but I have definitely screamed at God over my husband’s disability, when we have days that everything is horrible and hard, and we can’t understand WHY on earth He would allow something so heartbreaking to happen to one of his children. God bless you on this journey. I am praying for you and your family, and I just know that you will be able to help so many other moms out there to cultivate courage, because you’re sharing your journey. You are brave and you will be blessed.

  14. It was a blessing to read this. My 7 yr old daughter, Abby, has a brain tumor. It was diagnosed 3 years ago. I can relate to your screaming. I had a similar ‘meltdown’ at one point. I, too, learned that being honest with God helps your heart heal. I will pray for you and your family. Please pray for mine!

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